Inclusive Leadership and empathy.
“It’s like you really understand me, Emma.” This is the feedback from coaching and counselling clients that makes my heart flip with joy.
I read a lot of posts about empathic leadership that just sort of plop empathy on a list of things leaders need to do. And I just want to say it is really bloody hard. After three years (and counting) of counselling training, a year practicing as a counsellor and 15 years as a qualified coach, I can safely say true empathy is something that requires a lot of conscious effort and learning.
Why is empathy such a hot topic? Empathy as a leader, mentor or coach can help individuals feel supported, seen and engaged. I argue it is not just important, but essential, when it comes to inclusive leadership. This is especially so when a member of the team’s identity and lived experiences differ to the leader. Empathy requires a phenomenological (fancy word alert) philosophy. That means we need to believe that every human being is unique and experiences the world in their own way. Empathy is magic because it provides team members with what they uniquely may need to unlock their potential or overcome barriers.
Most people get that sympathy = tea and biscuits and empathy = understanding. But true empathy is harder than it first seems. So, three things I have learnt about empathy on my journey as an inclusive leadership coach and person-centred trainee counsellor are:
1. To question whether true empathy may even be possible. This might seem counterintuitive but when I start with the consideration that it might be impossible to see the world through another’s eyes, it helps me to focus on nudging as close as possible. I’ve learnt that empathy in relationship ebbs and flows. Like seeing a live band, occasionally the music will be attuned, in time and on point, and for some moments it will feel slightly off. Sometimes, being off beat is helpful because I notice it and it acts like a signal to get back in time.
2. To approach empathy as a way of being not doing – if you think of empathy as something to do, you’ll start to use techniques. For example, reflecting what someone is saying becomes parroting, which is just plain annoying. Approaching empathy as a way of being means I focus on the aims to understand their experience, to see the world through their eyes, to attune to their emotions.
3. Whenever I start to picture my own experiences or think “I get this,” I am identifying, not empathising. It might feel like a way of connecting to say to someone “I understand your experience because I have also lived something like that” but it tends very much to disconnect. It brings the focus to you and away from them. This is especially important when you’re trying to grow inclusive leadership skills. Imagine a team member sharing a microaggression and hearing “I had something similar once, so I know how you feel.”
My final thought is that empathy is a state or attitude that changes from one moment, and one person to the next. It isn’t Super Mario Land. You won’t beat all the levels and say I am done. But it is totally worth the effort and ongoing learning. To provide a space where somebody feels seen and heard and to hear those words “you understand me” is honestly the most rewarding thing you can do with your day.
As a trainee Person-Centred counsellor, I read a lot of Carl Rogers and the above reflections are musings influenced and drawn from his writing.